Monday, October 24, 2011

Would you read my book? what should i change?

ok it is about a 16 yr old girl called stella who has gastric cancer and a brain tumor. dimitri is her vampire/doctor/ soon to be bf. :)

Chapter 8

I was sneaking out of my room when I bumped into someone in the dark of the hallway. “Hello, Stella. I see your up late,” a sweet voice said, surprising me. I spun around, half expecting it to just be a nurse. A curvy figure loomed in front of me, striding forward a step for every two steps I took. “Mmmm.... You smell delicious,” the figure told me. Her eyelids opened, showing off bright red eyes. I smelled copper close by my face; she was a few inches away now. She licked her lips, showing off two sharp, pointed fangs. I tried to back up; I slammed into the wall. “I’m hungry, aren’t you? Let’s not wait for dinner,” she said, and lunged for my throat.

Something bounded up the hall and a fist came in contact with her stomach, sending her flying. “What in the heck were you thinking, Stella?” a familiar pair of silver and gold eyes asked, grabbing my shoulders and shaking me violently. “Ow....” I complained, looking over at my shoulder. Dimitri released me suddenly in mid-shake. I heard small thuds working up the hall, and in less than a second, she was back up here. I flipped the lights on, using the light switch on the right side of my door, and I saw the red-headed nurse, Valentina, and Dimitri fighting. In the snarling, growling match, a cart of cleaning supplies got pushed onto the floor, chemical bottles leaking, sending noxious fumes towards my direction.

I covered my mouth and nose with my hands, trying to breathe in little as possible of the chemicals that drenched the fluffy carpet. I didn’t want to escape to my room; it was freezing in there, and I wanted to make sure he didn’t kill his sister. But, that last part seemed true; he ripped her limb from limb in a few minutes of her struggling against him. He threw the limbs in a clean garbage bag that was hanging on the cart, and he threw that down the hall. I heard the rumpling as someone grabbed the bag out of mid-air. Dimitri got up and brushed all the deep red strands of hair that had caught on his pullover as they fought. I still had my hands over my mouth; it wasn’t helping. I felt lightheaded, and wanted to lay down. But, I fought against it. I watched as Dimitri cleaned up the mess from the cart and cleaned up the carpet. He was just finishing up when I thought of a question. “How come no one was running out of the building or calling the police?” I asked, confused as usual. “She gave them sleeping pills. Except the guy she bit. She likes to seduce them first,” he said. I was going to ask more questions, but a gurney was creaking down the hall, with a blanket over the almost-lifeless body of an innocent victim. Natalie stopped in front of us, starting to speak in her little voice. “You can still save him, you know. And, he isn’t too bad looking already, actually,” she said, her voice as sweet as sugar.

“Hey!” a booming voice down the hall yelled. I snapped my head in that direction and saw Jareth standing with his arms and hands a position that said, ‘hell-o, I’m still here!’, with the bloody bag clutched in one hand. He started walking down the hall, looking a bit jealous with a scowl on his face. “Do I get no credit?” Jareth asked, pointing to his handsome face. Natalie laughed. “Never mind,” she said. Dimitri slowly folded the blanket back, showing the face and neck. He was covered in blood; a salty scent filled the air, making me want to vomit. I turned around to face the wall, nauseated, to get a hold of my self before I saw what happened next.

I took a few deep breaths, and turned back around. The man’s neck was cleaned off all blood, and Dimitri was leaning in towards his neck. I saw the multiple pairs of holes Valentina made, and Dimitri’s fangs stretched them out larger as they entered a pair of the old holes. His fangs had to be at least three inches in length; they were poking out of his mouth when he had started to bend down. They weren’t the usual bright white; they had a small grey tint when the venom spread from his gums, wrapping around the tooth. He started to inject venom into the body after taking a little more blood to fit more venom in. As the man’s body grew pale with loss of blood, Dimitri pumped more venom in and rubbed venom onto the other bites, closing them instantly. The dying man was turning blue, then purple. Finally, Dimitri moved away, the body thrashing. Dimitri ran into my room and came back with the fours metal legs off the chair in my room. “Hey, my mom bought that chair—” I was cut off by a muffled bending sound. I looked what he was doing. Dimitri was bending the metal legs around the sides of the gurney and the man’s wrists and ankles, securing him down. I looked at Dimitri in question. “He’ll be very thirsty when he is done transforming,” he said, answering my unspoken question, “and we don’t want anyone else around here beinWould you read my book? what should i change?Yeah, I kinda agree with both people that answered before me. You can write well, but you should pick a new topic. In my opinion, vampire books are getting old and your book seems a little similar to twilight. So, I think you should just pick a different subject, then you might get some progress. But you are a good writer, so don't give it up.Would you read my book? what should i change?stella??? vampire doctor??? you could definitely change the similarity to twilight in the names and vampire thing.Would you read my book? what should i change?Vampire books are played out.Would you read my book? what should i change?Yeah this is really good. Your amazing!Would you read my book? what should i change?mmk well I liked it it was very good BUT....

I've read so many stories like this....

and it seems it was a bit like twilight now I hated twilight try changing it up

So I think you got a lot of potential good luck! :)Would you read my book? what should i change?OMFG ive never really liked to read vampire stories and stuff and i have no advice for you because ill read anything good and that was great! I really loved it i wanna keep reading! i cant just styop in the middle of a book and never finish it please please please send the book to me?! Seriously i HAVE to read that book! (And i dont even like vampire stories so you know its good)

BUT I HAVE 1 PIECE OF ADVIDCE! : Make sure the first sentence and paragraph in the book is gonna capture the readers and Make It Something Awesome And Dramatical Happeing In The Begining Of The Book (First Paragraph Should Be Awesome And Intense [usually] ok? )Would you read my book? what should i change?Can't people get over the fact that all other vampire books are NOT copying their beloved Twilight?!

I love Twilight, but I also love so many other vampire books, the world doesn't revolve around them just because they got big!

I love this story so far, I like the fact that she's ill and he's the doctor, he's like her saviour. I love the name Dimitri too!! It's great so far, when your done can I read? or if you get it published then tell me I'd buy it. :D
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